Nerves have been jangling in FHABTO HQ this past week. It’s that time of year again when the kids go back to school, and this year was a big one. My daughter has started secondary school and, in truth, I was probably more nervous than she was. Soon she’ll be discovering boys, but that’s her fault for insisting on digging up the back garden.

As many a pupil will return to old stomping grounds, it was time for a few former Deans to re-visit the Kingsmere Group Stadium as visitors with the Rocks in town. Birms, Scutty, Ethan, Billy the Blue and Hookey join their skipper Chad Field in the away changing room.

The Deans start well and force an early save from the Bognor keeper before assistant referee Dave Ja’vuu fails to raise his flag and the visitors slot home on 8mins. The rest of the half is pretty even with Bognor forcing a fantastic reaction save from Mylbo and Olajide being denied by the woodwork. HT 0-1.

Half time quandaries this week include:
Is my penis the same length as 3 betting-shop pencils?
Do Penguins have knees?
Is my ban from Ladbrokes on the high street justified?

The first 15 minutes or so of the second half go by without much incident, although it’s clear that the Deans have turned it up a notch. Chebby is becoming increasingly frustrated that the ball just won’t fall for him and he seemingly decides to take that out on my hand. Luckily, in the intervening period he’d managed to drill the ball into the bottom-right corner from 25 yards before deciding to assault me in celebration. 1-1 67mins.

The Deans have the better of the remainder of the match but just can’t convert their dominance. We come away with a fully-deserved point. FHABTO MOTM was Myles Bowman, the lad wears women’s jewellery and doesn’t know how shirt buttons work but he made some brilliant saves!

What followed was a week where most of the Deans Ultras and FHABTO Massive seemed to be otherwise engaged. Was it a coincidence that it was for our visit to Met Police? I was in attendance despite my ongoing legal issues around an incident at my nightclub. Sometimes things get out of control when it’s busy, although with Tom Jones in town it’s not unusual, is it Darts?

My Imber Court induced PTSD is calmed slightly by the news that the Deans have named an unchanged side. The fact remains however that we took a hell of a mauling here last season. We start ok, Crook and Chebby have a couple of half chances before a deflected shot wrong-foots Mylbo and we go behind. 1-0 9mins.

After that, the rest of the first half is a more difficult watch than Brokeback Mountain at your Nan’s house, on full volume. My dog seemed more interested in attacking the ball than our players, and she was practically comatose. We concede a second as I’m contemplating how much Jack Fletcher looks like a scarecrow. 2-0 32mins.

We go into HT and I take this opportunity to put some legal questions to the watching boys in blue:
If 50 is the new 40, why did I get 3 points and a £100 fine?
Is microwaving a croissant considered a war crime in France?
Does my friend have a case for Personal Injury after misinterpreting the intended use of his new Dyson Ball Cleaner?

Hale apparently narrowly misses out on receiving an ASBO for the ferociousness of his half time team talk and Darts can be heard asking “Why? Why? Why?…” No changes for the Deans, and it takes us just 10 minutes to see a difference. Flanners slotting home after some great play on the edge of the box. 2-1 55mins.

Crook is replaced by Tommy the Spot and can be overheard asking Jack if he is free this week to help protect the radishes. Other ingredients must have been mentioned, shouts of “Now we’re cooking!” Can be heard from the bench as the Deans create two more excellent chances before the hour mark.

No sooner has Chebby hit the side-netting and Olajide fired just wide when Leon Baker-Neto enters the fray in place of our most consistent player so far, Ollie Erdinc. I’ve taken a liking to Leon, not just because his mum terrifies me, but his playing style leads me to forget the 16 times his young fan club have ran me over on scooters in pre -season. Who needs shins anyway?!

The Deans continue to push but are repelled by the law. Our eagerness to get back in the game proves to be our downfall as we’re caught on the break. 3-1 69mins. 5 minutes later and a real truncheon to the gut is received. Jallow and Mylbo looking like the sticky bandits as Sharpe completes his hat-trick. 4-1 74mins.

To their credit, the young Deans press on. We finally win a scramble in the box and Coby Killick kills it. 4-2 78mins. Leon is reminded that he has the right to remain silent and receives a yellow for dissent. No comment.

The remainder of the tie is reminiscent of the second period the week before. We just can’t keep the ball down when firing at goal! Flanners and Medway clear the horizontal before perhaps the best chance of a third falls to Olajide as Chebby brings the ball down. The shot rolls just wide and Chebby rolls around on the floor and lets out an audible scream. The sight of him hobbling off with the assistance of the G-Dog rather sums up our afternoon. 4-2 FT.

FHABTO MOTM was a tough one. I’m torn between giving it to the bloke who let me out of the gate and the officer who informed me that the bloke who fell off my nightclub roof was definitely not a bouncer.

Last Saturday saw us visit a new ground in Bedfont Recreation Ground. Unsurprisingly, the home of Bedfont Sports FC, our opponents in the FA Trophy. Three changes saw Leon, Kellett-Smith and Tommy the Spot come in for Erdinc, Killick and Crook. Chebby making a miraculous recovery. There was some concern that if our shooting was anything like last week it may interfere with the low-flying aircraft from nearby Heathrow. More concerning was the sight of Dave Ja’vuu with the flag again.

Our hosts are unbeaten at home and are well placed in the league and early on you could see why. Medway having to intervene to nod a glanced free-kick onto the bar and out to safety. Mylbo also having to make a good close range save. The rest of the half saw the Deans grow into the game and start taking advantage of the 3G surface with some good passing moves without creating anything clear-cut.

HT quandaries this week include:
Why do we press the buttons on the remote harder when the batteries are dying?
Is a birth certificate just a receipt for your baby?
How much do I regret buying the flat above Lionel Richie?

The second half goes much the way of the first. The Deans creating some good chances and defending well. It somehow remains goalless through a combination of last ditch tackles, blocks and Mr. Ja’vuu making his presence known. The officials combining to deny at least 2 seemingly legitimate goals for the Deans. An afternoon spent looking at the bottom of planes and in close proximity to an absolute balloon! It’d be funny if it wasn’t so painful.

The introduction of Wreck-It Ralph, Farmer Crook, Erdinc and new-signing Zion Nditi, Ndidn’t change our luck. Although we did lay siege to the Bedfont goal, the lottery of penalties loomed. FT 0-0.

The less said about the penalties the better. The important point being that we lost 4-2. Somehow. A positive display from our young Deans ultimately ends in our exit from the FA Trophy. FHABTO MOTM was Matt Kellett-Smith who was solid at the back and kept us playing the right way. Someone is going to get a hammering from us at some point, I can feel it!

Ascot United are our visitors this Saturday. I might not be able to make it, I’ve got to go shopping for the wife’s birthday. We stood in an orchard for twenty minutes yesterday but apparently that wasn’t the “Apple Watch” she was hoping for!

#UpTheDeans!

Photo by Adam Bailey